The Official Winds eNewsletter
© November 2001
The Real Reason Behind
Rising Divorce Rates and Failed Relationships!
~written from the perspective of The Winds of the Soul~
by Dr. Gregory C.D. Young, Ph.D.(Oxon.)
|Believe it or not, the secret of understanding what love is can actually be found in understanding the realities of a rare phenomenon called "love at first sight." Now, I know that most "professionals" out there ridicule this idea and pretend that that the experience really doesn't exist, and that at best it is mistakenly experienced as a crush or an adolescent infatuation of some kind. But I disagree....||
Since National Divorce rates for failed first marriages are over 50%, more than 60% for failed second marriages: and over 70% for failed third marriages, it's obvious that we're certainly not learning much from our mistakes! Fewer and fewer of us are getting it right. And over time, these numbers appear to be growing even worse. Even more startling is the fact that these numbers appear to represent the fact that we don't seem to know what "love" really is, or what it means to be "in love" with another person, or even why and what it is that we fall "in love" with in the first place One would think that if we did, we wouldn't be failing so regularly.
Believe it or not, the secret of understanding what love is can actually be found in understanding the realities of a rare phenomenon called "love at first sight." Now, I know that most "professionals" out there ridicule this idea and pretend that that the experience really doesn't exist, and that at best it is mistakenly experienced as a crush or an adolescent infatuation of some kind. But I disagree. Although it's true that many counterfeits exist, and many attempt to masquerade feelings of intense neediness and/or lust as the "real thing," it does exist in its pure, rarified form. It is a real phenomenon, which however infrequent, does happen to the faithful few, and does so in a relative instant of time. It seems to defy all our cultural understanding about love, but its realities are ever alive within the hearts and lives of those who have been so blessed. And, make no mistake about it, it is a blessing for those so touched by Heaven's hand.
For the rest of us, we generally have to wait a little longer for that same kind of love to enter our hearts and minds. To be sure, true love is not made more viable because it is given in an instant or because it takes years to develop. "Time" really has nothing to do with "love," except for the fact that it may just be needed in order to awaken us to the degree that we may then accept the experience, having been made more appreciative and deserving of its properties. Indeed, many of us need a little longer in our own development and preparation before the dawning of such a legitimate experience can be envisioned within us.
© Dr. Gregory C.D. Young, Ph.D.(Oxon.). All Rights Reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, including but not limited to all forms of media print, audio, electronic and video reproduction, without the prior express and specific written consent of the author, except in cases of t brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
|Indeed, I believe that when we are truly in love, our vision of another is not wholly of our own making, but it comes from the Heavens, bestowed upon us like the dew of the morning. "True love" is the glimpsing, in whatever capacity we have or have been given spiritually, of some small portion of God's loving vision and understanding of the person we behold....||
So, how does "love at first sight" actually happen and what does it entail? How can such a love be sustained through time, if the parties haven't had sufficient time to know one another? Well, again, if we're relying only on those parties and time involved, it's likely that such an experience couldn't happen at all. But love, real love, doesn't ever just involve the 2 parties alone and has little to do with time. It does, however have to do with the One who controls all time.
Indeed, I believe that when we are truly in love, our vision of another is not wholly of our own making, but it comes from the Heavens, bestowed upon us like the dew of the morning. "True love" is the glimpsing, in whatever capacity we have or have been given spiritually, of some small portion of God's vision and understanding of the person we behold. It is His understanding of what He made this person to be and intended to become in which we are so enthralled. In this "vision" is an eternal perspective, a picture and portending which is beyond time or the notion of temporality respecting the person we engage. We see and feel Heaven's vision of this person, something beyond our own imagination and abilities to perceive. Such a perception, therefore, can happen in an instance, or slowly unfold over time as both parties begin to become more prepared and deserving of such a gift. And even though it may take a long time to finally bring into focus the Heavenly vision of another, it is often sudden in its realization and surprises us that we didn't see it before. Without such an experience, "true love" has yet to happen to us. This is what so many attempt to fabricate within themselves and between themselves, and fail in the process by attempting to substitute the shades of infatuation, neediness, sensationalism and/or lust in its place. Such a vision cannot be pretended or falsified. Such an experience is alive—a "living picture" which surrounds our perceptions of another, tempering everything that we see with the grace of Heaven's understanding and patience. It makes us see beyond the instance of time and circumstance, and connects us with the thunderous and awesome purpose of that person's being. It truly is a revelation....
Moreover, in this vision of another is found a myriad of data. We come to see where and how the person of our affections has come to be, perceiving a complexity of attributes which weave through themselves and within our partner's character and personality. We not only learn to see their "story," we come to understand all the causal factors that have had impact, and why perhaps such a course was needful. We see Heaven's creation in all its innocence and purity of purpose, and although our affections and our partner remain flawed in this world, we see the direction and purpose of perfection wielding its way through them, refining
and polishing everything about them over time in a flawless and
|For most of us, it is the little "children" still living within us that calls out to our heart and begins to soften our perspective. It is the living and connected "children" within our partner that first attracts us, interests us, and invites us to feel safe, mirroring the same connections with the Heavens... these are the living and legitimate reasons for attraction and love.||
portended manner. It's as if we are granted a view of this person from all perspectives of time, from the smallness and simplicity of the seed to the beautiful fruiting tree, all in one dynamically orchestrated timeless picture. Again, such a view is beyond our own making, and thus should be treasured and protected at all costs from the denaturing of this world.
But most importantly, we see the person of our attentions as they were meant to be by Heaven's design as well as the spiritual connections which they entertain. And that means we are given a privileged view of the "living children" within them and the dynamics of their purview. Truth be known, this very understanding is what proves so important in the maintenance of marriage. This is the stuff that makes marriages work, and without which such relationships fail. This is the fundamental secret that we've been after in our understanding which can make or break a marriage.
For most of us, it is the little "children" still living within us that calls out to our heart and begins to soften and broaden our perspective. And as "Light attracts Light," it is then the living and connected "children" within our partner that first attracts us, interests us, and invites us to feel safe, mirroring the same connections we potentially hold with the Heavens. As is more fully explained within The Winds of the Soul, these are the living and legitimate reasons for attraction and love. All the rest, as they say, are just icing on the cake. I'm sure we all have some sort of experience in this regard. For instance, if we are married men, how many times have we heard our wives affectionately say, "Oh, you're just like a little boy!" Well, perhaps without women being aware, they are articulating the fact that the little children still found living and influential within men is what they find so attracting as well. And if we men could be honest enough, we would find that it is the "little girl" within our partners that we find so attractive, humbling, and alluring as well. Indeed, when you are graced with Heaven's view of things, you are literally smitten with affection for your spouse because of the foundation of the living children within them, and the ennobling connection to the Heavens that shines radiantly through them. This is what should become the basis of our marriage, the vehicle which will carry us safely down the road of time and experience.
Indeed, marriage is much like that of an extended road trip we take together in a car made from our understanding of the little children within us and from our partner. The problem is that at first, everything seems perfect. Our car is new, shiny and trouble free. For the first few years, it rarely gives us a problem. But as the miles wear on, and the roads become less smooth, the wear and tear of life begins to have its toll. If we've not been duly attendant, we may suddenly be surprised to learn that we've lost a fender somewhere along the way. Then we find we're missing our spare tire. And then the muffler goes. Little by little other parts of the car fall off without us even being aware of it as it creaks and rattles down the highway. Headlights burn out, rods are thrown, gears are lost, and before long, even the frame and foundation of the car doesn't seem so sound anymore. At last, our vehicle can carry us no longer. It grinds to a halt, a debris field of broken parts having littered the highway behind
|The pieces of their car found strewn behind them are, in actuality, pieces and fragments of themselves left to disarray and forgotten behind them. But these are the very pieces they first found so attracting and beautiful, visions of themselves once given and sanctified by the Heaven's themselves, pieces of themselves which have long been carelessly expunged and exiled from their awareness.||
us. It doesn't seem so new any longer, nor as attractive, and no longer promises us a carefree ride. Like the drama unfolded in an "I Love Lucy Film," the car finally collapses in pieces, usually a top an active railroad crossing, where Ricky starts yelling at a confused and tearful Lucy. Sound familiar? That's what most people experience just before they give up and decide upon a divorce. Neither party wants anything to do with the vehicle or their fellow traveler, and believes the best thing to do is to part company, dissolving their marriage.
But now let's see what has really happened to bring about such sadness, misery, and disappointment. In reality, both parties have been remiss in taking care of their vehicle, of the means by which they have been riding. The pieces of their car found strewn behind them are, in actuality, pieces and fragments of themselves left to disarray and forgotten behind them. But these are the very pieces they first found so attracting and beautiful, visions of themselves once given and sanctified by the Heaven's themselves, pieces of themselves which have long been carelessly expunged and exiled from their awareness. As they went down the road, they unwittingly lost these pieces of themselves, of the living awareness of all the children they were, forgetting to reinforce these treasured perspectives around and within themselves. Having lost this foundation of character within themselves, they became increasingly more frail and weakened, and only hollow remnants of those people they used to be, destitute of the missing children within them. No wonder they look upon each other in the end with little interest or attraction. No wonder they can't see those little children playing within each other. They are no longer there. Everything that was the basis of their attraction has since been attenuated within them. They no longer see themselves as they once did, nor do they remember those earlier visions which were so compelling, lovely, and romantic.
As is mentioned more fully within The Winds of the Soul, as we grow older in life, we carelessly lose those earlier most beautiful, non-physical aspects of ourselves, losing the most valuable and essential parts of ourselves as we age, witnessing and then forgetting the "Fragmentation" of our feelings and personalities in order to unwittingly obey a plethora of familial traditions and cultural mandates that yielded a host of "Frustration Complexes," which in turn have caused the deep breach between Heaven and ourselves, and those people we used to be compared to who we are now. As each innocent and childlike piece of us was split from our core, so we became weakened in every aspect of our personality and spirit, diminishing our capacities for intelligence and understanding, losing strength of character and desensitizing our perceptual awareness,
|As each innocent and childlike piece of us was split from our core, so we became weakened in every aspect of our personality and spirit, diminishing our capacities for intelligence and understanding, losing strength of character and desensitizing our perceptual awareness, learning to feel less and less, and accordingly grew ever more blind and deaf to Heaven's Voice within us. Thus, in actuality, we are only shadows of who we used to be....||learning to feel less and less, and accordingly grew
ever more blind and deaf to Heaven's Voice within us. Thus, in actuality, we are only shadows of who we used to
be---who like comets, trail behind us a debris field littered with the remnants and bits and pieces of our former, quintessential
"Higher Selves." So lost to our true and essential identities, and except for a few fleeting memories, we remember
little of the fullness of our childhoods, subsequently estranged from the fullness of who we really are, remaining shallow,
undeveloped, and without true direction.
But in courtship and marriage, we are given an additional understanding of these little children in another—those we've already witnessed and perhaps some of those already missing, as well as then reawakening an awareness of those same wonderful aspects within ourselves. That's why we feel so connected and so alive! That's what causes us to become so much more deeply attracted to each other, even changing our perceptions of the physical right before our eyes. That's when we witness our heart strings vibrating in sympathetic resonance with another. Albeit partially, the living loveliness of those aspects of our partner's character, including the innocence and purity, are made visible to us with unmistakable clarity, subtly reintroducing ourselves to the memories of who we used to be as well. These visions and understandings are from Heaven--they break upon our awareness like the dawn of a new day, showing everything fresh and beautiful. We are transformed when beholding the unclouded vision and hope of Heaven in another. We are introduced to a kind of beauty and loveliness rare and exemplary in our experience, something that actually lifts our consciousness and makes us experience an at-one-ment with the vision itself. Perhaps in part this is what is meant by "...they shall be one flesh." (Gen 3:24; KJV) For this experience is truly one which joins us and bonds us, making us conceive or apprehend mentally and spiritually as one. These again, are treasures which we must embrace and protect, guarding against diminution of any kind.
To be sure, these wonderful abiding characteristics and feelings are echoes from deeper connections that we once all freely enjoyed. No matter how forgotten or misplaced our missing children have been, their remnants still call out to us to be remembered, reminding us of how truly gracious our lost children were and are, and how exquisite their connection to the Spirit really was and can still be. These possibilities are still living within us. These are what we should now seek to extol and amplify within each other. Accordingly, we must actively work to retain them within our conscious stream ourselves, first proving ourselves worthy by being of like mind if we are to have any hope of helping to remember and possibly restore them in another. And, if we do, we shall never know a kinder more balanced happiness.
Thus, the correct gathering and the restoration of these missing pieces, even our exiled children, is paramount to our happiness, now and in the future. It is especially within the covenant of marriage where this foundation must be continually reinforced and revisited. Indeed, the covenant of marriage depends upon it. Without those memories of who we used to be to each other continually enliven within each other's presence, without those little children within us remaining a part of us, there remains little of any value to love
|Consequently, divorce generally becomes an advancing possibility when one or both of the parties involved no longer wish to retain those living children within them, and thus no longer wish to keep alive those things the marriage covenant seeks to protect and extend.||
anymore. To be sure, we forget what it is that we loved, and look upon our relationship as some vague half-forgotten dream, doubting if not denying that the experience ever really happened, ending up to be different people than we were.
Therefore, if we find ourselves going down the road of life with our partner, and a fender happens to drop off, we should be sensitive enough to know it, stop the car and restore the missing piece to our vehicle (marriage). We do this by reminding each other of those things we find most beautiful and prized within us, jealousy guarding their welfare and stability. We must continually remember that it is the living children within us that has been connected so surely with the Heavens and His Spirit. These are, thus, the wisest and most intelligent parts of us. Without them, our own personal value diminishes extensively. We also should work to encourage each other to find and restore again the missing children of which we are unwittingly no longer aware, having already exiled them from our presence, knowing that such can only make us stronger and more committed to the relationship we love.
Conversely, divorce generally becomes an advancing possibility when one or both of the parties involved no longer wish to retain those living children within them, and thus no longer wish to keep alive those things the marriage covenant particularly seeks to protect and extend. Then it is that those child-like aspects which may have lovingly brought two people together is no longer prized or immediately viable—and the basis of their relationship then becomes forgotten and discouraged. Vehicles, like marriages, that have lost too many of their essential pieces prove unfit for the road ahead. When we find that we no longer care about the readiness and status of the vehicle we're riding in, it will and does eventually fail us.
But, if we still have the mind and the heart, all is not lost. There is way in which things can be made better. Those finding themselves lost in such a predicament can discover meaning in each other again by simply but thoroughly engaging in the restoration of those memories of the people they used to be, of all the missing pieces that they have let go by the wayside. By re-gathering and re-assimilating the lost children within them, they will once again gain the vision of Heaven's intentions within them both, and remarkably fall in love all over again.
Yes..., it takes a great deal of work and it's hard to begin again, but it's worth it. Yes..., it's hard to remember all that we used to be because it often hurts and involves a particular form of humility and repentance to enable the process of restoration. And yes, it will take some courage and energy that we don't think we have, but when well intentioned, Heaven will show us the way ahead again. That way nothing is lost and the treasures rewarded are more than could ever be counted. That way our vehicles are restored and prepared for the eternities ahead.
One last word needs to be said. Please don't misunderstand me to say that if we haven't married for all the right reasons (true love) and instead have married for the many variations of lust (i.e., need, position, beauty, infatuation, money, security, power, loneliness, etc.) that we should scrap everything and look to start all over again. I'm not saying that at all.... In reality, most of us probably have not married for all the best reasons, but that shouldn't stop us for developing the best of reasons along the way. And that, thankfully, we can all do. In fact, there is every opportunity to fall in love properly with our spouse even if we started out on the wrong track, or married each other for less than honest reasons. If both parties are willing, there is still the very good chance of now looking to find the missing and lost children within us and their respective connections with the Heavens, recover and restore them, and thus begin to forge a love for each other that is strong and viable. Indeed, all marriages should be in the continuous act of "recovery" and "celebration." It's not important as to when we started on such a journey, but rather that we elected to start at all and continue on faithfully.
I know that much of what has been briefly said here may surprise a few of my readers, but I would ask for your patience and direct you to my book The Winds of the Soul for a more thorough and complete understanding of these ideas. I'm sure as you settle in with these concepts, you will begin to grow more comfortable with them, and with the Winds that blow within your Soul.... These things will then sound peculiarly more familiar to us then..., warm and inviting, sound and stable. Indeed, we'll discover that we've really known these things all along.
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About the Author:
Dr. Gregory C.D. Young, Ph.D.(Oxon.) is a licensed Psychologist and Neuroscientist having been educated abroad where he
completed his postgraduate studies at King’s College, the University of Aberdeen, Scotland, and then graduated and received his
Doctorate from the University of Oxford, Oxford, England. He has been in private clinical practice and medical research for over
25 years, being active as an author, popular radio and TV personality, public speaker, and biomedical researcher. An expert in a
number of fields including Forensic/Criminal Psychology, Child/Family/Relationship Psychology, and Neuropsychology, he has also
served as an expert scientific advisor, product innovator and formulator, and professional consultant to the Medical and
Pharmaceutical Industries. He is the author of The Winds of the Soul~Heaven’s First Voice To Us, as well as numerous other
scholarly papers and works.